"Be One"

My purpose

2009-09-18T07:02:00.001-07:00

I want to post once again why I have created this blog. I received a nasty comment yesterday about how "silly and childish" my "religious approach" is about sex. The writer of this comment then described in explicit sexual detail his filthy ideas on the topic. I was disturbed and knew that he was obviously hoping this was a different kind of website. It may seem unusual that a home maker and mother of four would take time to write about sex, but may I emphasize the greater picture? My intent is to write about intimacy in marriage. So many woman of faith spend their lives prior to marriage striving to keep their virtue- as they should-and when finally able to share that virtue with their spouse, feel discouraged and frustrated at what that brings.

My wish with this blog is to create feelings of confidence and hope. My wish is to have a voice of goodness in the world. My wish is to speak about sexual intimacy with honor. "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." (article of faith # 13). Which is EXACTLY what our marriages should be.

Deep breath...

Thank you for those who have supported my thoughts, and who can recognize the plan in place.

The question...

2009-09-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

From my last post "A delicate subject", I received a sincere question about the nature of the topic. Click Clan, I tried to answer your question as directly and responsibly as possible and posted my comment in return. BUT... my comment was too long -according to Blogger- and I was unable to leave it for you. I feel that your question was an important one, and so with great thought, I have posted my response here instead. Let this be a clear warning that the dialog is direct. For the sensitive reader, you may wish to stop now. I hope it is helpful to more than just the brave woman asking. I'll take that chance as I have been asked this question many times before which is:

"So, if I may ask...how can you achieve all three of these orgasms? I have always been able to achieve the first orgasm...but not necessarily the other two.
THX"

I have decided to use this question to further my thoughts on orgasm. However, instead of answering "how" to attain all 3 of these, I feel it best to let each marriage go where it needs to go in the discovery of that answer. Working together to create these experiences will provide ample room for discovery. Every relationship, every body, is different. To claim I can offer detail for your body would be unrealistic...unfair even. Reminding everyone that I am not an expert, however, I do have a few thoughts to offer. First, it is important to know that ANY orgasm starts in the mind. It is not possible to achieve any of the three options unless our minds are focused on sexual things themselves. In fact, doctors have mentioned there are actually four orgasms...the fourth being mental. If we are focused on the dishes or who we need to call back, we won't orgasm at all. It isn't possible to attain the full experience without allowing our thoughts to focus in the moment on what is happening- or about to happen. This is scientifically proven. But this idea can be difficult for many women. Some think that having sexual thoughts are wrong. Therefore, they push back any intimate thinking... never able to release and experience the beautiful purpose in our coming together.

To shed some light on this thought, may I offer some insight? Sexual thoughts and images in our mind are wrong IF they are about anyone other than our spouse. This is a bold statement- but one that I stand by. When we flirt with images of anyone other than our own husbands, (or wives) it becomes spiritual infidelity. We walk away from a sexual encounter farther from our spouse and less dedicated to the marriage. More importantly, our Heavenly Father can not protect and nourish our relationship. We won't be more united because this isn't his design. Sexual thoughts ARE his design when used appropriately for the one we chose to marry. When we get married, we join in a sexual contract (see the post "Paul's Help"). We are free then, to think about- talk about- learn about- practice- and enhance our sexual lives together. Our thoughts follow suit. When we take our thoughts down the intimacy path during sex (our spouse in mind) we have taken the FIRST step to orgasm. It is important and healthy to focus our minds during sex on sex itself. Limits pending.

Next, I feel it important to describe the differences between each orgasm so those who may have experienced it will know, and those desiring to can focus on what is happening to their bodies. A clitoral orgasm happens through a very special body part created ONLY for pleasure. It is the clitoris which is the size of a pea and is located above the vagina. It is external and is the location of thousands of nerve endings- created for sexual joy. It is the only body part of a woman designed purely for pleasure. This is such an important part of the female body that sadly, in countries that desecrate women, there is a female castration ceremony in which young girls (8 and 9) have the clitoris removed- and in the most cruel way. A practice I abhor and in my wildest dreams, would put an end to someday. The clitoris is a gift- one that openly shows God's love for his daughters, as he wants us to have true happiness in our marriages. A clitoral orgasm happens when there is direct contact with the clitoris. The sensation through this orgasm is limited to that area. It is the most easy to achieve as there is a specific and direct place to focus. It is the most common.

The vaginal orgasm is internal. It is much more complex but is also a much deeper orgasm- more full filling, as some have said. It's affects last longer and can spread through the whole body. It is the "cleanser" of the two. Study and research have proven this orgasm to occur most frequently when passion and "foreplay" (or sexual build) have stimulated the body to natural secretion. When a woman's body has created a natural lubricant, it is more prepared for a vaginal orgasm. When the "heat" has been turned up.

In this case, there is a particular spot deep into the vagina (or the farthest part inside) prepared for and awaiting contact during intercourse. If contacted- a vaginal orgasm can occur. Again, not every time, perhaps because of medical circumstance or just plain distraction, but it is available.

A blended orgasm then, is BOTH occurring at the same time. Yes- it can happen and is, by far, the most challenging to achieve, but once again, gives room for growth as we discover what works best in each of our circumstances.

If you are still reading this, my guess is you are not offended with the content. I hope that the information here has been received respectfully. I have tried ever so carefully to express answers in a gentle and reverent manner, which can be challenging to do. I never get red in the face with this sacred subject, so forgive me if I have made anyone uncomfortable in any way. Like I have said before: knowledge = hope, and this is not a taboo topic. It is amazing and miraculous, when shared with respect.

I send my best to those who are trying to learn more and am grateful for your reading this at all.

A delicate subject

2009-08-16T13:54:00.001-07:00

This particular post is an informative one. I always like to be careful and selective in the nature and content on this blog and, am also feeling that I need to post helpful information to those asking for it. I offer a soft warning that the angle of this particular post is one of health and science. It is about orgasm. For those uncomfortable with the directness of my thoughts...you may want to check in later, or read the new post below. My husband once said that the word "sex" is much like a swear word to some people, which I respect. And if that happens to ring true for you...this may be a post to pass over.

Much of the learning that has occurred for me and for those reading has occurred through the "comment section" of this blog. The other day I was re-reading a post and the comments that followed when I realized that I had not officially posted some vital information. I am placing that here. I know that knowledge and truth is from our Heavenly Father and when we receive more... we have the power to improve. If this information helps anyone~ the purpose has been met.

It is obvious that I love this sacred topic. Anyone who has followed this blog knows that I would love to go back to school and get a degree in sexual therapy- someday. I have been given a desire to learn and study and increase my understanding of this delicate subject and have been enlightened in many ways through the scriptures. But, there is more from God's hand than just the spiritual side on this topic. There is also the beautiful side to it's physical benefits. By enjoying it and appreciating these benefits we show our gratitude to him. So, let's look at what those benefits may be.

With sex comes orgasm.

If asked how we feel or what comes to mind when we think of orgasm, I am sad to say that some people think it is not an OK thing. Some think it is worldly, others that it is sinful, but today I'd like to open the possibility to the strength it can bring to our bodies. Remember that I am a firm believer in keeping our personal intimate lives PERSONAL. We are commanded to uphold and honor the sexual detail in our marriages as sacred and private. That said, in the next few paragraphs, I'd like to offer fact.

Research has provided some incredible information about orgasm which has enlightened my heart with greater love for my Heavenly Father, as this is HIS design. He created this for pro-creation and the bringing forth of life, which is miraculous to me, but he also created the sexual act to strengthen love through pleasure and unselfish commitment in marriage. And through the latter...orgasm is possible. Surely, we know orgasm is pleasant, but do we also know about some additional benefits it offers?

Did you know that orgasm can:

~ strengthen our immune systems so we can fight off disease and other ailments.

~ create endorphins that are natural "fever relievers" which strengthen our health and well being.

~ create a threshold to pain.

~ reduce stress.

~ increase our life span.

~ cleanse and flush out toxin.

~ create a natural high and happiness ( a glow) to those who experience it on a frequent basis.

MANY fantastic things come because of this gift. God has given us an AMAZING way of taking care of our bodies through orgasm in marriage. He loves us and offers the deepest of all pleasure through this natural and remarkable act of love.

There are three different kinds of orgasm for a woman. There is the clitoral, the vaginal, and the blended. Learning more about our bodies and how these three are achieved, may increase our abilities to enjoy the blessings mentioned above with our husband.

I realize there are MANY women who do not or have not experienced orgasm, and there are numerous reasons why that may be. An orgasm for a woman can be very difficult to achieve. Each woman is unique in her own circumstances. May I suggest study, prayer, hormonal check-ups with your physician, questions asked, and communication with your spouse to identify some set backs that are very common and overlooked.

Intimacy is ours to learn about and enjoy under the right circumstances. It adds a richness to life that strengthens our spiritual and emotional relationships in marriage. It is a tool for closeness and beauty.

How I am indebted to my Father for his kindness in it's creation.

Moving Forward

2009-08-16T12:21:00.001-07:00

A while ago, Mr. Napes shared something significant he had observed in our relationship. He pointed out that in the past, he hadn't really connected each of our intimate experiences to the next one that would follow. Subconsciously, for him, each experience was independent- with no relation to another. If we shared love one night...it wouldn't continue to roll over to the next day. It was what it was- separate and unconnected. A great moment- perhaps. He said he felt closer to me because of our intimacy, but wouldn't take that closeness with him beyond our moment. If we would then connect a few days later, it would remain it's own event- never really flowing or molding together.

For me, however, it couldn't have been more opposite. In my mind and heart, it was all related. When Mr. Napes and I would express our feelings of loyalty and love, those rich and powerful moments carried us forward into the future until we would connect again. It would sustain me and would create a balance in our home. I knew I was taken care of because we were connected. Like the moving floor escalators at the airport...one sexual experience would take me to the next experience and so forth.

But this created some struggle between us.

I would leave our love making stronger and more full filled. I would look at him with new eyes the next day and would flirt my way around him. He, however, had moved on to other things- work, church callings, and so forth. What a painful time of life this was. I felt a bit overlooked and under appreciated. I felt alone and unconnected to him, and it then made the next sexual experience tense. I would not enjoy him because my feelings were hurt. He felt like a stranger to me from time to time.

Now, because our moments of intimacy rolled over from one to another (for me)... those feelings of tension would also present them selves the next day. If we had a night that was not that great, our relationship would annoy me. Oh, we have all had those moments when the stars are not aligned, haven't we? You know what I'm talking about don't you? Those intimate experiences when everything is off? When you'd rather be sleeping because it really wasn't working for you? Those nights that bring frustration more than connection. When you lay there listening to your spouse snore and you wonder how you got there?

But thankfully, over time and through these complications, Mr. Napes and I have discovered a few beautiful things about our relationship. Number 1: we are FAR from perfect. Number 2: there is NO relationship that is just like the movies and number 3: there will, in fact, be awkward nights. But we have also discovered a few other things as well. I can work on letting go of those discouraging times sooner and move forward to the better ones. If we have a weird intimate experience...so what? Move on Napes- let er' go. It happens to the best of all couples. It is about learning together and growing together and laughing it off without personal offense. He is learning to link our good times. To build upon our closeness and carry those moments that are great to the next day~ the next conversation. He is learning to open his whole heart and take those incredible times with him to work, to church, to our kids, to everyday life that needs that strength that only our love can create. Together.

If I am letting go of the hard, and he is clinging to the fantastic...we are moving forward.
Little by little, we are moving forward...and this is what it's all about.

Fireproof

2009-07-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

It has been quite some time and I am sorry. I suppose I was unsure that any one was reading this blog until today when I noticed a comment to be posted. As I checked this blog, I was surprised to see that there were 4,124 visits to this site.

My heart was full.

As I know this is a topic that is essential to a healthy and full filling life, I also know it is a difficult one for some to read about. Thank you to all of those who have taken time to read anything I have offered here. This has given me a renewed desire to jump back on this train and record my thoughts. And so...today I have a few.

Last night Mr. Napes and I watched the movie "Fireproof". For those of you who have never heard of this film, it is a Christian inspired story about a couple who is struggling terribly in their marriage. It is fantastic! Low budget? Maybe. Poor acting from time to time? Perhaps. Inspired and full of truth? Absolutely. The main character is played by Kirk Cameron, and for those of you wondering who he is...let me fill you in on a small secret of mine. He is the star of the old show "Growing Pains" and the heartthrob I used to have on my wall- poster form- in the 5th grade. I thought he was beautiful and still do, though the reasons are largely different from those in elementary school. He is a stalwart, faithful, Christian who now spends his time doing what this simple and humble blog has tried to do...strengthen marriage.

I think every one should watch this movie.

I was watching another show called "18 and Counting" (which I adore) and this very large family went to the premiere of this film. After watching it on the big screen, they were taken into the green room off to the side where they met Kirk Cameron and had some "question-answer" time. One of the questions the young Dugger boy asked Kirk was about a scene in the movie when the characters- who were married-kissed. He asked Mr. Cameron why he kissed the actress in the movie when it wasn't his real wife, and I was interested to hear his response as well. It went something like this: "I didn't. I value my marriage so much that I won't even share a kiss on screen with anyone who is not my wife. Not even if it is my job. And so...when that scene came, my wife put on the same dress and stepped in. I want you to know that I really feel strongly about this film- about fighting for marriage. I believe it so much that we worked around that."

Hmm.

Beautiful.

I add my voice to that of the film. To keep our marriages "fireproof", we must dedicate our hearts to the one we chose from the beginning. Which takes effort and forgiveness. Which takes reflection and hard work. Which takes...

....intimacy and love.

Feels good to be back.

Consciously Prepare

2009-05-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today's post is about consciously preparing to share your love.

Consciously preparing? What is that suppose to mean?

Ask your self this question...what have you done today to prepare for sexual closeness with your spouse? It is the greatest unifying experience- most literally, and maybe we would look forward to the connection a bit more if we prepared and planned for it a bit. This could be done in many ways.

Some ideas for wives: Setting the stage for closeness. Cleaning our room perhaps. Getting the piles of laundry put away and clearing any clutter that may dilute the romance a bit. Planning to get a baby sitter so the evening is spent without the children. Picking out music, candles, or something beautiful to wear. Shaving our legs. Texting our husbands and letting them know we are looking forward to being with them. Thinking of a new approach to the routine of togetherness. Writing a note about the evening that's planned and putting it in your husbands car/coat the night before. Anything we can consciously think of to express our love BEFORE the heat of the moment. These simple acts of thoughtfulness not only show support for the relationship, it prepares your own mind and heart to share yourself as well.

Some ideas for husbands: Allowing her to focus by taking one thing (or a few) on your wives "to -do" list and mastering that for her- it can do wonders. How about buying- better yet- picking flowers. Take a sharpie marker and leave her a note on the mirror with how you really feel about her (yes- it washes off). Text her a message. Make her dinner. How about YOU arranging the sitter? Grab her favorite candy bar and toss it in the freezer for later. Anything loving that you may not do regularly is to consciously prepare. Maybe you should shave your legs...I'm kidding, but seriously, when we consider and prepare for the night/morning/afternoon together, it changes the purpose in our physical unity. It takes us back to the dating scene and THAT is where we fell in love from the start.

In the scriptures it says, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." Doctrine and Covenants 42: 22. In the footnotes of this verse it says: Family love within; love; marriage, Continuing Courtship in; Marriage husbands; Marriage wives. These footnotes are a reference for more study. Could we be applying ourselves to continued courtship more fervently?

It is the preparation that lingers in our minds all day. It helps us look forward to sexual closeness like we would look forward to going out to dinner, or going on a vacation, having a day off, (fill in the blank with what brings you joy). In planning for sex, we can enhance sex. Take time to remember the beginning of the relationship and center your efforts on those feelings of love. May our marriages defy all that is in front of us to distract and pull us apart.

I would write more but I have a text to send (wink- wink- nudge-nudge).
Best of luck!

No more "it"

2009-04-09T20:45:00.001-07:00

I have been wondering what would happen if we changed our relationship with sexual intercourse. We hear people talk about this grand connection as "it" quite often. "My husband wants it all the time." "We haven't done it in a while." "It is routine." "It is good." "I feel like it is all he/she thinks about."

If I am able to see, feel, and believe that the spirit of sexual intimacy is apart of my husband and I, than my thoughts toward him- toward us- might be different. Because sex is suppose to be an integral part of who we are as a couple, than changing our thought pattern may change our feelings as well.

Would I feel differently if my thoughts were "My husband wants me all the time"? Would I be less bothered with his desire to connect sexually if I thought "I feel like I am all he thinks about." Maybe we participate in the habit of referring to sex as a stranger or an object. If we do...it very possibly could become just that. Does the experience of intimacy in our marriages feel like an "it"? I have noticed when I am cherished and appreciated by Mr. Napes, when we are truly close and emotionally intimate, that sex really is a part of who I am. It is non existant that he wants the "act" alone, rather, he really does desire ME...his wife and friend. Sharing myself with him then becomes natural and comfortable, and the stranger between us is gone.

Honor- Love- Respect.

Distancing ourselves from the generic and stale term "it" may help our relationship with our spouses. Loosing this term may create a closer level of intimacy. Let us replace "it" as the object, and welcome sex as the design for true wholeness at it's finest because of who we are sharing it with. Let us put our husband or wife in the place of "it". Let's cherish them and desire them and love them- and all that they bring to being one.

I'll start: Mr. Napes, I want you tonight. I want to be with you and share you, and love you.

Hmm. Sounds good to me...

Selfless love

2009-02-26T13:24:00.001-08:00

There are a million ways to express and share intimacy in marriage. Simple conversation as the dishes are being loaded, exchanging the pick-up of kids in the afternoon, a call to "check in", really studying the grocery isle for the exact flavor of salad dressing you know your spouse will love. These moments- these choices- are the essence of a deeper level of love in our relationships. These choices of consciously putting our husbands and wives first-secure for our marriages more comfort and trust in our sexual connections that follow. As we place our spouses above ourselves in the everyday moments we are used to...our hearts and minds prepare for deeper connection later, even if we don't realize this is happening. Selfless acts of love create richer connections and stronger ties. Selfless acts of love create the chance for celestial love to develop. It prepares our hearts and souls for more.

It is a beautiful experience to share a home and children and with another human being. It is remarkable to have someone to share our things with. But MORE beautiful and remarkable is the sharing of ourselves...and this union starts to solidify as we serve and live with selfless love.

Making Time

2009-02-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

Time has run off...leaving me speechless and saddened that I have not been able to spend the kind of energy here that I would like to. This blog was created for many of those friends who have asked me to write down my thoughts and insights. I am sorry to those I have let down as I am striving to live and lead life to the fullest- off of the computer.

The things that now flood my mind are the many times that life gets hectic and stressful, thus leaving this entire topic on the shelf getting dusty, in our relationships I mean. Don't we all find ourselves carrying a load on our shoulders and looking at intimacy as the last thing we want to think about? Realistically I think this happens more often than it should. In everyday life it tends to be set aside until everything else is done, and is everything EVER done? Keeping it alive often takes true effort, and when we are exhausted, true effort is the last thing we want to offer.

My goal? To place it FIRST. To put the dishes, the bills, school projects, the t.v. show (fill in the blank) or anything else aside until AFTER we have connected and shared our love as one. And for those reading that are rolling your eyes, I understand I can't entirely neglect other responsibilities. Realistically though, I manage to make time for all of these other things in life, and if I can make time for other things, then I can make time for us.

What I have noticed again as well is the drastic difference it makes in marriage when we DO connect on an intimate level. Every other thing on the list is manageable and less stressful. It may change nothing on paper but it changes everything at home. Having missed the connection and then returning to this love, I see my husband with completely different eyes. Our relationship is certainly stronger. It is one more thread in the knot that binds us tighter and tighter in heart. It is the thing I share with him and no one else! It is the experience we can laugh about, share inside jokes about, winks, and secret code words for and this makes life worth living. It is this kind of love that I commit to make more time for...

Wish me luck.

The Doctor's Question...

2009-01-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have had many health problems. In the past year I have had three surgeries to improve and sustain my health. I have had to meet with a specialist who has helped me understand and make choices that would allow my insides to remain functional and in tact. During one of my pre-op visits with the surgeon/gynecologist, I asked him how long it would take to heal and recover afterward. In this conversation I also asked him at what point I would be able to be intimate with my husband. He looked at Mr. Napes, looked at me, then jokingly- and non jokingly-put his hand to his mouth and whispered, "How long do you want me to say? How much time do you want off the hook?"

I smiled, knowing the average interest in most women, and said "A week would be about right." He heard the tone in my voice and asked if I were serious."Well, I'll take your council so I can be safe and healthy....but I don't need time away from my good husband. As soon as we can reconnect that would be great." (Long pause....) "Hmm. Um, ok, well then two weeks would be about right. Most women ask for at least six months." "I'm not surprised," I added, "Sad as that is. But I love being married and all that that brings. I'm unique- I get that. Is two weeks too soon?" "No, no, you'll be fine."

We wrapped up the details to the surgery and we were off.

I drove home with my husband and mentioned to him the surprise on the doctors face. I knew in my soul this topic would be revisited with him. I simply KNEW it. And it was. I went back for a check up one month later and had a few questions for him about the recovery process. He looked at my chart..."Oh yeah, you're the one with the high libido." (That means high sex drive/desire). "Sure am," I laughed, but I could see that he was pondering this. I was quiet as I watched him process and then he asked if he could be personal with me and seek answers to some questions he had. I reassured him that I was absolutely willing and comfortable discussing this topic and he relaxed a bit.

"I see here on your charts that you are L.D.S. is that correct?" I affirmed that this was true. He sat for a moment. "Well I am not L.D.S. but my surgical partner is an L.D.S. bishop. He and I see hundreds of patients a month. We are very busy with women that come in for various reasons. You seem to have a very healthy relationship with your husband and I am curious...do you masturbate?" The poor fellow was squirming in his seat. Other people I know may have been offended with his question but I was prepared for it, as I could sense there was more to his inquiry. In this world, self abuse is INCREDIBLY common and I could see his curiosity in my uniqueness. "No, I don't", I answered confidently.

"I didn't think you did as I know it is against the practice of your religion but I am in awe as to how you are happy without it." I smiled again. Much study has already brought to my attention that the world sees this as something "helpful and good"- it is encouraged by many professionals. "I see many women each day and of those women, on average I am writing out 2 to 3 prescriptions for depression medication a day. I see hundreds of women who come in depressed and don't know what to do. As we discuss their bodies and the female anatomy, I see so many women who are discouraged and suffering. Part of my prescription to them is to go home and masturbate." "Let me guess," I mentioned, "Is it because they will be happier, healthier, and less dependant on medicine if they can attain consistent orgasm?" "Yes. Over all health and well being will be uplifted and strengthened through this natural stimulant." "I couldn't agree more." I said. "Then how is it that you can have good health and better yet, a happy marriage without it? Most L.D.S. women that follow your leader's council to avoid this are the ones that struggle and are unhappy." SO SAD! And yet another indicator we can all learn more.

"Well Dr. Jones, (name changed), it isn't masturbation that brings those positive things... connection with a loving spouse offers the kind of health and well being we've discussed. I believe self stimulation does the opposite. It adds discouragement, self betrayal, and brings dissatisfaction in results. The human body may respond but the emptiness that is sure to follow is burdensome. Self esteem begins to drop at a rapid pace because it is unfullfilling to the human heart and soul. It is a misconception that we need only orgasm. Those feelings and intensities are designed to be discovered and shared with a husband or wife. That is the beauty of marriage. To focus on and discover what makes each other truly happy. It's wonderful! And can I ask...the women who take your "prescriptions"? Are they happier when they come back?"

"Well no that's just it. Their medications don't change. I haven't seen the results I would like in this area. I have been curious since we talked the last time and I saw your genuine interest to make love to your husband. I assume you are happy together?" "Yes sir." "But if you don't masturbate- how do you know about your body or what works?" "Well, that's just it. I am not unfamiliar with my body or how it functions. The success comes from deep communication and practice. It is about respect and discovery and patience. It is about love, honesty, unselfishness and kindness. It is about marriage. My guess is that you see a few different kind of women: the L.D.S. woman who is discouraged with setbacks in her sexual life and doesn't feel good about taking your council, the L.D.S. woman who takes your advice and feels all the more discouraged, the non L.D.S. woman who also doesn't see results in her well being, and the woman who hasn't thought much more about it."

"This is the case as I have sent many patients to my L.D.S. partner because they are not comfortable with my advice- but they are unhappy with him as well. He doesn't council masturbation but he is also at a loss as to what to say. Do you have any recommendations for us or these women? What do you suggest?"

There was so much that we discussed and talked about. I offered him the same book recommendations I have offered in other posts on this blog, amongst other things. In the back of these books there are also other books suggestions. I mentioned to him these books offer council from prophets and apostles as well as professionals in the field. I wanted him to know the underlined tone in the books were religious. "I'll read them. I'll recommend them." He said, "Where can I get them?" I felt in that moment that my life and opportunity here was to do more than just share my personal experiences. It was to share my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It was to open the chance for his council to change for hundreds of women. It could realistically transition from opposition to the Lord's will to the beginning of something huge and wonderful. I felt that then...I feel it now- even as I type this. A tremendous beginning to truth.

I was told by the Lord in a personal blessing that I have an active and inquiring mind. That I will be an influence to many people, and that I am to teach what brings me happiness and joy (amongst other things). It is full filling to do what I am created to do and I hope to learn more and more and more and to share all that I am able.

My Thoughts

2009-01-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

I noticed that on the television show known this new year for creating your "Best Life" (Oprah) they are focusing on five things to strengthen and create connection. Sexual intimacy is on this list. This shows us a few things. One, that there are enough people in this world who have questions and concerns with similar experiences, and two....it is vital to marriages and good health. I have followed the information closely and would like to offer some thoughts.

Over all, I feel that the instruction and advice, more the educational and counseling side, has been dead on and good. I would mention, however, that there have been parts of the professional advice I would discard with caution. The point is to really adhere to the spirit to seek truth and light. In this world, learning about anything tends to open doors of both good and evil. There will always be conflicting views and ideas. Search for great things. LEARN - LEARN- LEARN. STUDY- STUDY- STUDY. Take what feels right and peaceful and pray about those things. Discard the others that don't settle well. In reference to some of the "advice" offered, a quote by President Spencer W. Kimball helps us take what works and throw out what doesn't. He says:

"If it is unnatural, you just don't do it. That is all, and all the family life should be kept clean and worthy and on a very high plane. There are some people who say that behind the bedroom doors anything goes. That is not true and the Lord would not condone it." (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 312).

There is always a fine line in the ways of the world. Remember that often times Satan makes good seem bad, and bad seem normal, acceptable, and good. Always seek and heed the words of the prophets and discuss the personal detail of your intimate life with your husband or wife at great length. I am not unfamiliar with the views presented in the Oprah show today. In fact research and study has brought to my attention the "normal" side of sexual things over and over again (ie; adding pornography and other "things" into our marriages to "spice it up"). What IS essential is to be open and honest with our spouses -which thankfully was mentioned and emphasized on the show. I recommend using what was shared to increase knowledge and help the communication process in our marriages. I also recommend matching up truths that bring peace, and letting go of principles that contradict the Lord's plan. May the spirit guide and direct our intentions, beliefs, and actions.

In the next post I'll share an enlightening circumstance I was blessed to be a part of. A conversation which confirmed once again what a personal patriarchal blessing has already let me know: that I am to teach in any way I can.

Miss Rain's moment of Truth

2008-12-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

The messages we send our children about the healthy affects of a strong marriage can instill in them the courage to be loving and "fiercely loyal", as President Gordon B. Hinckley has said we should be. It will give them the chance to observe and hear for themselves what they can attain- what is available- in a world of divorce and sexual misrepresentation. To discuss sexual intimacy with them is critical. If we as parents do not have these conversations- it is inevitable they will learn inaccurate facts from someone or somewhere else.

Jill C. Manning, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado- featured on Real Families- Real Answers (BYU) said, "We as parents need to make a critical decision about who's voice is going to get to them (our children) first, and who's voice is going to win out." In an earlier post, I mentioned the safety I had in my home growing up with dialogue about sex. It was empowering to me later in life as I faced the world that encouraged acceptance of things I knew in my heart to be inappropriate and offensive. This open dialogue proved to be a haven that led me in a direction that is now open on this blog and in our home. My husband didn't have open discussion growing up, and there have been lasting effects because of it. To teach our children these concepts and principles has always been our plan.

Mr.Napes and I had talked about the right timing of these conversations. We felt strongly about two things: 1. We would have these discussions with each child TOGETHER as it is a common misconception that fathers need only talk to the son and mothers need only talk to the daughter. Sharing these conversations together shows the child unity in the marriage. It gives them more than one resource for understanding. It offers answers to questions from both perspectives, and it prepares them for future relationships, with knowledge of the opposite sex.

2. We would address this sensitive and amazing topic when they were around the age of 8- the age of accountability. In our home, this is the year they are baptized and receive the Holy Ghost. With the Holy Ghost they can receive all truth. In Moroni chapter 10 verse 5 it says, "And by the power of the Holy Ghost you may know the truth of all things." Our children are able, with help from the teacher of truth, to receive knowledge...even about sex, and to accept this information with a pure and simple heart.

Some people may say this is too young. In a world with sexual messages EVERYWHERE, I recommend seeking the advice of the apostles and prophet. When reading what they have to say about teaching this subject to our children, it is evident we should prepare them at early ages. We are told that just as a parent wouldn't send their child into a winter storm with out proper protection (shoes, coat, hat) we also shouldn't send them into the world without the protective knowledge that will save them from harsh disasters to come.

We felt peace about this age and were preparing ourselves for this discussion. I realize that every child is different and every household is different. I offer the conversation we had with the hope that even one person may take something from it. If anything I share is helpful, my purpose is met. If nothing is helpful, it's alright- as it doesn't change the remarkable and enlightening evening we had with our daughter, Rain. Thanks to my journal, all of the dialogue has been preserved for a moment like this.

Mr. Napes was away at a meeting one evening and I had put our two younger children to bed. I was in Rain's room on her bed as we chatted about her day. She and I were content and happy with this "talk time", as we discussed school, friends, and life. As she was sharing, I was completely taken aback by a strong feeling that I needed to ask about her understanding of this topic. This wasn't our design- I thought. My husband wasn't home and she was only 7! She was in the second grade. She was too young.

I fought this impression for a while, internally telling myself this wasn't the right timing, but feeling again and again I should ask her some detailed questions. After the nagging in my heart was more than I could bear, I finally opened the conversation with this question: "Hey Rain, you know that aunt D. is pregnant right?" "Yeah, mom, I know." "Well, how did that happen? How did that baby get inside of her belly- what do you think?"

It was in this moment that her face turned bright red and she dropped her head to avoid eye contact with me. She slowly fiddled with her fingers. My heart sank! This body language spoke volumes. Not knowing my daughter, you may think it was expected, but nothing in conversation in the seven years I have known her, had ever made her noticeably uncomfortable. It was obvious to me that she was struck by my question, and I instinctively felt I needed to find out why.

"Um, I don't really know how mom, but all I know is what Emily told me." Emily was another second grader in her class at school. They rode the bus together, played at recess together, and sat next to each other in class. I now knew why I had been inspired. How long had she been curiously wondering about this new information? How long had she been burdened with confusion? "When did she share things with you? What did she say?" I asked. "Four days ago."

4 days. This was a tender mercy. It wasn't weeks or even months. I had surely been inspired. "Well, she said a lot of things but the big thing she said is that a man's "private" and a woman's "private" had to touch. Can you believe that?!"

I had the chance to gently clarify truth, and our conversation was very open and very honest. I will add the details with a soft warning that our conversation was frank in many ways. Healthy and clean, but frank. I said, "Well, Emily is right honey." "She IS?" she asked, shocked. "Yep, they do have to touch but there is a little more to it than that. The man's private has to actually go inside of the woman." I didn't flinch, I didn't stammer. I explained things just as I would have explained how to pour flour into cookie dough. This proved important in her safety to share. She knew I was comfortable with her asking and telling me things.

I also want to mention that the accuracy in my teaching had to be suited for her age and understanding. Some explanations wouldn't have made sense to her 7 year old mind, and so I explained some things in elementary terms as opposed to medical terms that adults receive. A reminder once again that I am no expert. She knows the technical terms for body parts- which is important, but I followed her lead as she asked me why the man's private entered the woman's. Up to this point, my husband and I had already explained that a man's sperm and a woman's egg came together to create a baby. This was when my 3 year old son asked the year before. That was all we shared back then of course, so they would be familiar with those terms, and the conversation was done. He ran off to play and was satisfied.

"Well, it's actually pretty awesome. Remember we told you about the egg and the sperm?" "Yeah." "The woman's eggs are inside of her body and the sperm goes inside the body to find the egg. It's the only way to make it work. But it's normal. It's the way animals make babies too." "Really?" "Yep- horses, cats, dogs. It's pretty amazing. A real miracle. And just so you know... you can ask me anything you want sis." "I can? Ok...well...um...does it hurt?" "You know Rain- it did a little bit. That's because my body had never tried to make a baby before. It took some getting used to while we were trying to figure it all out. After that though it didn't hurt at all. It was beautiful!" During this conversation, I never introduced the idea to her that this process took place for reasons other than having a baby.

"You know Rain, it doesn't always work the first time either." "How come." "Well, the eggs and the sperm are so small and it's dark in there. To find each other is tricky. Mom's and dad's sometimes have to try often." This made sense to her. "Well," she asked, "Do you know if it works right away?" "No it takes two weeks or so and then you take a special pregnancy test." "Oh yeah...isn't there something about putting a stick in water?" (Hmm...also didn't know she knew that.) "Yes but it isn't water- it's urine. Because something from inside has to come out to show you that it worked (so to speak :) There are two lines that show if it worked and one line if it didn't." "Did two lines show up with ME?!"

"Yes! I was soooo excited. Daddy and I had been trying for a month or two. Some people try for a long, long time. I was jumping up and down because I finally had you in my tummy." Rain's face was full of excitement and joy. "Tell me more." she said. "Well, I was happy that after daddy and I "made love" it had finally worked." I chose this wording with pure intent. "Made love?" she asked. "Yes, that's what we call it when we are married and we share that experience of making a baby. You love your baby brother River, right." "Oh yes mom! I LOVE River." "Well that's what River is...he is such love, and this is the way we made him." "Mom, that makes so much sense," she said.

"You know Rain, it's important to remember that this is only to happen the right way. When a husband and a wife are married. Only when we have been married can this be an exciting and happy thing." (I realize there are happy people who don't follow this pattern. This was my teaching opportunity for my daughter with principles we choose to live, and I believe this to be true.) "Can it happen if you aren't married?" "It can honey, but it's not as happy of an experience then. It's sin if you aren't married and it can be a sad and painful mistake. It takes a long repentance process to make it right, though it CAN be made right. Even though it can be fixed- only when we have been married, and in the temple, does it become the greatest experience ever! That's Heavenly Father's plan."

"Mom....do you know anyone who did that when they weren't married?" "Yes, I do. I have a few friends and relatives who had a baby first. One cousin said that it was sad and very hard, but after a lot of work she and her boyfriend got married. They repented, and were sealed in the temple. They are happy now, but there was a lot of time wasted. She said looking back, she wished they would have done it differently. She said it could have been an easier and more joyful time. It's not ok when you aren't married...no matter what anyone says."

"Man, why would Satan do that?! Why would he want someone to fall down, mom? Like he trips them. That would be like my friend Sean putting his foot out and tripping me on purpose. That's so mean." "I like the way you put that sis. It's true and we can all fall down from time to time. We must be very careful in our choices. We must stay close to the Holy Ghost and follow the prophet to make sure we don't fall down. But if we do, we get back up and repent. Our Savior loves all people, though he wants us to make the right choices the first time if we understand it."

"Mom, how come I've never seen you and daddy do this- make love, I mean." "Well, that question is good and important. It's because making love is the most special and sacred thing that can happen between a husband and a wife. Do you remember what sacred means?" "Yes, something special but with the spirit." "Yep. And this is special with the spirit for a mom and dad. No one gets to see it but us." "NO one?" "Yes- NO one honey. It's too special to share with people. It's very private and everyone needs to remember that. It's like the most special place on earth. Do you know what that is?" "YES! The temple." "Yep, and can anyone go into the temple?" "No, not anyone. You need a recommend to go in there." "Yes Rain, it's so sacred and special, it's between God and the person going through. Making love is so special also- it's between God and a husband and a wife to see. No one else. This means if you ever see someone sharing this love, it's not ok. Not on t.v., or in the movies, or magazines. Not anywhere! You'll know that if someone is letting people see...it's sin. And please tell daddy and I if there is a situation like this going on."

"Mmm. I won't forget. But mom, how does it happen? I mean where? Where am I when you and daddy are together?" "Well, mostly in our room. We share the same bed and so it's ok for us to share this love." "Do you stay that way all night to make sure it works?" (I realized it may seem odd to be "stuck" like that all night in a 7 year old mind.) "Well, we come together to try, and afterward we brush our teeth and say our prayers and we hug and sleep." (Which is all she needs to know for now.) "Mom, that seems so normal and it makes sense. And it doesn't make me nervous. I'm so glad we had this talk." This inspired my mind to cover something else important. "Has it been good?" I asked. "So good!" "I wanted to tell you one more thing. As wonderful as this was, we need to make sure that we let all of your friends have the same great conversation with their moms. We can't take that away by telling them all of these awesome things. It will be their moment for their moms to explain."

"Got it mom. My lips are sealed!" she said as she slid her fingers across her mouth. "It wouldn't be right for me to mess that up. It's just between us...not even for Clay."-her other brother. She understood. (I was so glad this would not be playground information. A mother's nightmare.) I asked her if she had anymore questions and as I did, her dad walked in. "Hey guys...questions about what?" The moment of truth... "Hey Rain, why don't you tell daddy what we've been talking about." Yes, this was fun for me to watch the ball drop and see her dad's face, but I also wanted her to restate what she'd heard so I could recognize any loop holes and flaws in my explanations. "We were talking about how babies are made."

The look on the man's face was worth a million bucks. "Um...what did she say?," were the words he stammered as he turned to me. "Yeah Rain, why don't you tell him what Emily taught you at school...." "Oooooh. Hmm..." he said. "Ok, let's have it." He took off his suit coat, knelt beside her bed, and the conversation went as before. She was able to ask him questions- which happened to fall more into the animal side of conception. (Daddy have you see a cow try this?)...Yes he got the better end of the deal :) but she was able to strengthen her relationship with him through this topic.

In the end, we all went to bed that night with humble and happy hearts. I had truly been inspired in my words. We have followed up with her a time or two since then to see if her little mind has formulated more questions or concerns, and truly she is at peace. This conversation has since led to the explanation of menstrual cycles and, she is equipped. It is empowering to send her to school, or anywhere knowing that the spirit has confirmed truth to her tiny, tender heart. It was one of the greatest conversations we have shared. One I look forward to in the future with her siblings.

Rick Shatz- President and CEO of the National coalition for the protection of children and families said this in reference to teaching our kids about sex, "Decide what the right age is- subtract three years- and you're only one year late, and that isn't a joke. This is the reality of where we are in the world today." If the "right age" seems to be 12, 13, or 14... then his statement and the next statement as well, rings true: John R. Sealy, Md.- assistant clinical professor of psychology- UCLA said, "It is important to have dialogue about sex with your children. Much younger than teen, certainly by 8 or 9."

Everyone will have a different experience as it is unique to each child. Arming them with powerful information and peace is the ultimate goal to fight the temptations that come in life. Namely promiscuity, pornography, infidelity, self abuse, and others. I am grateful to have Miss Rain's permission to share our great day to any bloggers who choose to read or want to learn. She hopes all of your kids "feel happy too."

I send my best to every parent - everywhere. Do all you can.

Decision

2008-12-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

I've decided to offer information as questions come. I guess the sensitive reader can choose to read or not as they see fit. Most of the answers will be in the form of comments in return, and what I don't know (which may a lot :) I'll do my best to find out. Let me know if anything you've read is helpful.

May we learn more truth

2008-12-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

Now that we have established a pattern in the scriptures with intimacy and know that it is God- given, should we think about teaching our children? I'd love to hear any success stories you may have had with this as I prepare to share the experience Mr. Napes and I had teaching our daughter.

In the mean time, I recommend a copy of the book, "And they were not ashamed" by Laura Brotherson- sold at Deseret Book (mentioned in a previous comment). It is a strong source of insight, facts, and helpful tips that are valuable for the husband and wife. Reading together and talking about it opens opportunity. It removes pressure from the conversation because it becomes the conversation starter. It provides information in clear and careful detail for potential success.

Other wonderful thoughts have been expressed in the comments from those that visit this sight. I want to share informative facts on this topic that are enlightening, but don't want to offend the sensitive reader. Most of us share similar questions and concerns. As with any blog, offering helpful tips or information on cooking, sewing, photography, etc., this happens to be the subject I am comfortable with. I guess in the end if no one reads it, my children may have the chance to avoid frusterations by learning.

In a world teaching falsehoods- may we learn more truth.

A Story

2008-12-16T09:45:00.001-08:00

Today's post is centered around this holiday season. In my heart, I hold the precious birth of my Savior in highest regard and this year my feelings have been directed in love toward his mother. Beginning to understand and receive enlightenment, I have discovered beautiful detail of her experience and love for her husband Joseph. Their relationship was incredible. A union of sacred closeness that I'd like to explore today.

Mary and Joseph were engaged or "espoused" when the angel, Gabriel, visited her. In this time of history, to be engaged was as binding as being married itself. The only differences were the marital privileges you could not participate in; intimacy as one of those. To make the engagement official there was a large ceremony-or party-where the soon to be bride publicly accepted the proposal. She announced her acceptance verbally or had a written acceptance that was read to all in attendance. This was a standard event for those who were going to enter the covenant of marriage. We know this experience had taken place with Mary and Joseph as well. Their families and friends were excited and supportive. Their engagement had been celebrated. (ie. "Jesus the Christ", by James E. Talmage).

Mary, as we are familiar, was a virgin and had not been intimate prior to her angelic visit. She had kept herself pure and clean and was saving this gift for her husband to be. Back then, to be sexually active before marriage was not only unacceptable, it was forbidden by law. Thus, when the angel came to Mary and told her she was to be the mother of the Christchild the first question asked was, "How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?" (Luke 1:34)

As a religious woman, Mary knew that a Savior would be born. She had been taught and understood that Isaiah had already predicted his coming. Never, however, could she have imagined the sacred glory of this magnitude to be hers. Engaged to be married, learning of this pregnancy to come, and realizing her relationship was at stake, how would she explain this to her fiance'? How would she face her family and community? What would be her future?

I do not know your husbands. I do know mine however, and I am certain that news that I was pregnant while we were engaged would have been painful and heart breaking specifically because we, also, had not been intimately connected. Their story was not different. In addition to Gabriel telling her of this miraculous event, he also told her that her cousin, Elizabeth, was expecting a child as well. Elizabeth was old in years and had been trying all of her married life to have a baby. So old in fact, it was no longer possible for her to conceive (John the baptist, as it would be) thus making the news a miracle indeed. This was exciting for Mary. She was thrilled for her cousins' success. She had someone who could relate with her and truly understand God's hand in this journey, and, they would share this experience together. She packed her things after the angel left and went to visit Elizabeth-100 miles away.

She had not told Joseph.

When she arrived, there was joy in their greeting. I am sure that tears fell in their amazement and wonder as they unfolded the details of their lives and the marvelous encounter with an angel of God. They had so much to share and Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months. (Luke 1:56)

In my own pregnancies, I begin "showing" around 3 months, as was the case for Mary. Coming home and meeting her sweet Joseph, the unspoken and obvious detail of her fragile state spoke volumes. He must have been devastated. The kind, loving, and compassionate man that he was however, is expressed in Matthew chapter 1 verse 19 which reads: "Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily."

Back in these times, to break an engagement was to "divorce". To finalize a broken engagement, one had to choose the direction in which the severing would go. Option #1: A large public display. The community welcome to watch the "he said- she said" fingers pointing- which was not uncommon. Or #2: A private meeting with two witnesses and the man and woman breaking the engagement. A signed document for the divorce agreement in an undisclosed event. Joseph, after finding her pregnant, denied his own confusion and pain and did not harbor a desire to hurt in return. He loved Mary. She was his life. She was his absolute joy, and he could not consider exposing what he thought was her "choice", in spite of his wounded heart. He sadly and quietly opted an honorable release from the woman he once called his "wife". (This makes me cry.)

Through the despair of loosing Mary in his heart, Joseph had a dream. In this dream, an angel explained to him the situation (Joseph also knew of the predicted Savior), and when he awoke, he rushed to her. Surely I cannot comprehend the deep emotion and relief he experienced, as he would marry his fiance' after all. No one knew that this pregnancy was not Joseph's as they married soon thereafter. With the exception of Elizabeth and her husband Zacharias, everyone thought that the baby was his. Another miracle. And he did this to save her shame. He did this because he LOVED her.

His love was so remarkable in fact that even after they were married they did not have sex. He was a patient and humble man to set aside his own desires and wait until after the birth of Christ. Matthew 1: 25 says: "And (Joseph) knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and called his name Jesus." Can you see what this means? He was married to her for 6 months and they never experienced sexual intimacy. Some may ask why...but the truth is that Mary was to be a virgin when she brought forth God's firstborn son. Joseph honored this, thus making it truly a virgin birth. He was amazing to her. He was selfless and kind. They had "consented one the other" and they remained pure and happy-even without sexual intimacy "for a time".

One friend said that this blog was a man's best friend...encouraging the wives to want sex. This blog is more complex than this as it also encourages a more difficult challenge for men- INTIMACY. It encourages closeness and selflessness and honorable choices that lift wives to their potential. It encourages respect and cherished moments in a private setting that focuses our hearts on one another. It encourages love that is established by becoming "one flesh" as we put our trust in the one we married. This kind of "focused" intimacy is in deed a challenge for many men. A difficult virtue, but one which Joseph's example proves possible and true, because it is innately in their hearts. It is with this kind of selfless intimacy that celestial relationships develop, preparing a husband and wife for exaltation.

This story is remarkable on so many levels. I share this with you to let you experience for yourselves the deep and abiding love this couple held dear. It IS possible. It is available to us- this love, without going through the things they had to face.

We all have challenges I know, but may we work for this unique love so our intimacy as a couple can grow. Many people wouldn't think that sex was written about in biblical text. I think this is because in our day the adversary has made this connection seem pornographic, sensual, and wrong. May we seek truth and light so that this connection can become clean and safe and awesome! This blog is about strengthening marital relationships. I hope this story prompts us to love our spouse with all of our soul, and one way to share this kind of love is to "be one."

Merry Christmas.

Moderated

2008-12-14T16:30:00.001-08:00

I realize there may be thoughts to share, questions to ask, or comments to make with a hesitancy to do so because of the nature of this topic or because you may not want your identity shown. In respect for everyone, I wanted to let you know that all comments are moderated. What this means is when someone shares a comment, it only comes to me. I moderate-or read through- before I publish it. This is significant because anyone can ask a question or make a comment and ask that it not be published. In this case, I can write the question or comment on the blog and respond, but the author will remain anonymous. (And if you want to send something my way and not have me add it that's ok as well. Simply ask me not to publish it -even anonymously) It is an option for anyone concerned who may want to participate. Confidentiality in this case is eminent as I welcome every one's thoughts and insight. If you comment without asking it to be withheld I'll publish as usual. I hope you feel comfortable to share without restraint.

May this encourage you,
The Management :)

Paul's Help

2008-12-09T14:48:00.000-08:00

Years ago I had a few questions regarding the topic at hand. I was particularly specific in my outpouring to heavenly father and needed answers to guide and enlighten me. I was frustrated as there had been tension between Mr. Napes and myself. I had been in the bible and had searched the topical guide for help. I found a chapter in Corinthians that seemed to make a bit of sense but I wasn't sure I knew what it meant in it's entirety. As I continued to pray...a miracle happened (well... a miracle for me.)

I attended a ward of a relative the following Sunday for a baby's blessing and decided to stay for the remaining hours of Sunday school and relief society. As I settled into my seat for gospel doctrine, the man that stood to teach began with these words, "Hello everyone. I am not the usual teacher for this class, I am substituting and am glad to be here. My name is brother Robinson and we will be studying chapter 7 in first Corinthians."

CHAPTER 7? This was the chapter I had been led to in my study. I leaned over to my relative and asked about the substitute. "He looks vaguely familiar. Who is he?" "His name is Steven E. Robinson. He is the author of the book "Believing Christ". (I had read this book. It had powerful insight.) He has also been a BYU professor. He teaches "ancient scripture" classes. This man has more knowledge about these books than anyone I know- we are in for a treat!"

Was it a coincidence that a professor with abstract information and DEEP insight to this chapter just happen to be a substitute? In a ward I was visiting?? It was a tender mercy. Truly an answer from God, and one that provided clear truth for my husband and I. Since this experience, I have been blessed to teach and study as a seminary teacher and have had my own insight and understanding to add to that of this brother. My relative was right though...it was a treat.

Some background to this chapter- This is the apostle Paul speaking. As a missionary he had gone to a place called Corinth. He found wonderful people there to teach and taught them the gospel. They were baptized and he established the church there. After his mission to Corinth was over, he left them to carry on in their church service. Later, he found that some of them were returning to their old ways for lack of understanding as it was so new. They began writing him letters with questions and he began writing back with clarifications on the gospel and how the church should continue to be run, with specifics to their lives (and ours) as a mouthpiece from the Lord. The entire book are letters written to the people of Corinth- hence- the Corinthians. At this time Paul was divorced- interesting huh- and he was giving council about sexual intimacy to those that were going to serve missions, married and unmarried. I truly LOVE his words. (I'll place the verses in purple and some thoughts in black.)

vs. 1: Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. To "have", back in the day, or to "know" someone was to be sexually intimate with them. He teaches us one benefit of being intimate, we avoid fornication. There is much to ponder in this statement alone. I think about the world we live in and the hundreds of ways this is presented. To be intimate is a protection!

3. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. What does this mean- due benevolence? In the footnotes by the word benevolence it states: Family, love within marriage, Continuing Courtship in. This is huge! As we learn about the intimate side of things, this is one of the most important factors- to continue courting, or dating, our spouses. If we approach our marriages as we did when we were engaged we would more thoroughly serve each other. More thoroughly recognize each strength and respect the others desires. If husbands did the dishes for their wives, or randomly brought flowers home, or sent a text telling them how much they were loved...this may open greater trust in the intimate side of the relationship.

If wives took the time to notice the hard work their husbands put into their jobs, if they supported them, and went and did things their husbands really like to do, if they continued to appreciate their efforts (or whatever was expressed during the dating scene) chances are, the compassion from the husband just may grow.

4. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. This is a verse that can be highly misinterpreted. Some people may use this to their advantage claiming proof that they have power over the other in an intimate setting. First I will add a quote about the misinterpretation and then explain what the apostles have helped us to understand about this short verse. President Howard W. Hunter (a prophet of God) has said,

"Keep yourselves above any domineering or unworthy behavior in the tender, intimate relationship between husband and wife. Because marriage is ordained of God, the intimate relationship between husbands and wives is good and honorable in the eyes of God. He has commanded that they be one flesh and that they multiply and replenish the earth. You are to love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it (see Ephesians 5:25-31).

"Tenderness and respect-never selfishness- must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other's needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord." (in conference report, Oct. 1994, 68; or Ensign, Nov.1994, 51)

Now we read this verse again: the wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. What this verse is actually talking about is self abuse. A more specific term used in The For Strength of Youth booklet is -masturbation. We are not to have control over our own bodies. Isn't it amazing that these topics were covered back then? If we are married, we have the beautiful gift of a spouse. This verse teaches us great things. It is a clear reminder that self abuse is not approved by our father in heaven. This "power" is not ours to justify. There are many great talks about this and if you get onto lds.org you have fantastic counsel at your fingertips. I must say that everything, yet again, for our day, lies in this book.

5. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. This verse starts out talking about fraud. I found this interesting. As Paul speaks openly he reminds the saints that marriage is a contract. A sexual contract in fact, amongst other things. When we marry we promise to remain loyal to our spouses and not to be physical with anyone else. This contract enables us to express our love to our husbands and wives in the most sacred of ways. We not only promise that we won't be with anyone else...we are also promising that we WILL be with each other. When Paul tells us not to defraud one the other, he is telling us NOT to withhold intimacy. NOT to avoid it. Not to pass it by or break the contract, EXCEPT- it be with "consent" for a time.

It is essential that we communicate with our spouces- discussing the reasons that we aren't intimate in our marriage. To consent is to both agree that for a time it is ok to refrain. What that "time" is depends on the marriage and the circumstances. One spouse may be working out of town, health issues may arise, we may be exhausted, what ever the case... both come together and communicate to agree on how often they share this kind of love. Selflessness is critical. Understanding is critical and fasting and prayer follow in Paul's counsel -letting us know that this will help. For those who feel that praying about sex is a strange concept, it may be, but please remember that our father is the very source that created it. It's his design, and because he made it up, he is more familiar with our hearts, bodies, and minds than we are, and can bless in time of need.

Paul is then very clear that we "come together again". As soon and as often as possible! In an earlier post I mentioned that Satan uses LACK of intimacy as his drive between families. Paul confirms this as he explains why we should come together sexually in the next few words which are words to drive it home: that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. The pure truth is that sex in marriage is provided to strengthen and protect. It is designed to connect a couple together in a way that NOTHING else can. It is solid cement and binding when shared in love. When this amazing expression isn't revisited and renewed, Satan begins to enter the marriage, and this can look like many things. We may get irritated with each other more often- impatient and bothered by simple and insignificant things. We may begin to disagree, or even loose our loyalty to one another. We begin to fill our hearts with pride and slowly the relationship dies. Our relationships are then in a vulnerable spot and sin creeps in to destroy.

To keep our sexual lives pleasant and new does more than just create joy. It is literally a defence for our families. It plays a key part in our happiness here on earth. Thus, knowledge and patience remain ours to master on this topic. It builds safety from evil and cleanses our relationships. It unites, solidifies, and strengthens our commitment to our marriages. A talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland titled "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments" brings to light the importance of consistent marital intimate relations. Read it. It is insightful as he compares the renewing of our baptismal covenants each week, to renewing our intimate marital covenants as well. More fantastic counsel...

I haven't found a couple that these five verses in Corinthians can't help in one way or another. It is astounding what "feasting on the words of Christ" can really offer. No matter what challenges any of us may have- hope and love are available through the Savior- whom I love with all of my soul.

Knowledge = Hope

2008-12-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

I have appreciated the comments and those willing to share in every one's process. It feels like a huge undertaking with this particular topic, and I am sorry if I have offended anyone by discussing it. I know that this subject seems to make some people very uncomfortable. As much as I love it, it certainly takes time to process and to feel in which direction I should go with each post- as every couple has a unique relationship.

There are many different situations that exist and many different reasons for challenges that occur in sexual relations between a husband and a wife. In some cases on this blog I may refer to things or offer insight that you may feel does not apply to you. This is ok, of course. Everyone is in a special place to understand what works best and what does not. There are two factors however, in which some of my comments will not be applicable at all. One is abuse in marriage and the other is sexual dysfunction of one kind or another.

What does that mean? If there is abuse in marriage you may not want to hear that we should be together as often as possible, or even that the Lord is expecting us to do so. Under any conditions of abuse this is not the case. Professional help is indeed a route highly recommended. Speaking directly with a church leader, and a counselor may be the first steps to clarity and there are many people who can be helped to return to a healthy relationship. It is a situation that has a uniqueness that will require outside help and attention, and I would never claim to offer professional advice.

The second factor is sexual dysfunction. These are medical setbacks that also require medical attention which can look like many things. If there are parts of the body that have lost, or maybe never had, sensation or if there are other areas of the body that do not function as intended- among other things-some of my thoughts will need to be reexamined. I am a solid believer in asking questions and seeking help. There are many amazing medical professionals to intervene and to explore options that are available to correct problems that any "practice" and "learning" cannot correct.

The first place to start is to truly understand the human body- male and female. There are a number of books that offer explanations in non offensive ways (ie., The Act of Marriage and/or They were not Ashamed- both christian authors and delicately written with clear information.) As we seek healthy understanding, we need to keep in mind that it is ok to learn. We have each been blessed with beautiful bodies...and it doesn't matter what they look like. All of us have been given parts of the body that have great purpose. To know these purposes are essential. Our bodies are decent and wonderful and the deepest of gifts. Knowing about our bodies can also bring compassion and patience toward our husbands or wives. To understand their bodies and their make-up allows love to surface.

Confusion = frustration.
Knowledge = hope.

I hope that the depth of your relationships are increasing through specific prayer. Here again lies the power for change. I also hope this blog is as reverent as my intent from the start. And lastly, I hope that your world is strengthened as often as it can be by this source for true love. In time we'll explore what the apostle Paul tells us on this topic. It's INCREDIBLY insightful...maybe next time.

Scripture

2008-12-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Marriage is the union of two souls and...so is progress. It may seem that this is a blog for women as men tend to have less challenge with the sexual side of things. This blog exists, however, as a tool for both. Great information rests in this topic for the husband and the wife, and as we explore from post to post we'll begin to identify the importance and value of both lives in one.

The first man and woman on this earth received commandments- together- which were given in Genesis, chapter 1. In verse 28, Adam and Eve were commanded to "be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." Next to the word "earth" there is a little letter "d". In the foot notes of this verse it says: "Earth, purpose of." To multiply and have children is one purpose of the earth but that comes because of sharing the most deep of all love- first. It comes because of being one. Does that then mean that being one is also entwined in the earth's purpose?

The answer... is yes.

The earth was created to share this connection and, in turn, experience creation with the Divine. It is the most powerful and Godlike ability. Isn't then, the WAY we create equally important? Would he leave the creation process for naught or- is there deep significance in his design? Could this be why he created it to be a pleasant experience also? Because it meant so much? Even off the charts amazing!? It doesn't seem to be a coincidence to me that the most miraculous event was also combined with the most miraculous of physical pleasure. The two go hand in hand.

Wait... what if...um...it isn't...well..."miraculous"?

Hmm.

So, I mentioned before I will not share details of my marriage but I will share experiences from my marriage that may help us all to learn. With approval and encouragement from my good husband, I offer a moment of our learning. It came during our honeymoon, and before you reach down to turn off your computer, let me tell you where it also came from... the scriptures.

I have a FERVENT testimony that EVERY answer to EVERY question ever placed in our lives can be answered through the words of Christ. I promise that in the scriptures there is pure and clear truth for each circumstance on earth, and for every child of God...even little me. When I married Mr. Napes, I had taken my parents advice about saving their kind of love. I was thrilled to be his wife and thrilled to "be married", and could not have loved anyone MORE! Of the two of us, I had a pretty good education of what our love could bring. Mr. Napes, however, was...let's say....discouraged after we got married. Happy yes, but simply put- he was aware that being one was a very different experience for the both of us, and this was bothersome to him. He wanted his wife to be happy. Now, I started this paragraph out by testifying of answers to all of our inquiries in the scriptures and this was no exception to that truth.

We began to study the scriptures- looking for the answer to those physical differences. Why it was so great for men, and not always that great for women.

In Genesis chapter 3 something struck our attention. As the story of Adam and Eve was progressing and this couple found themselves in some trouble with their Father...consequences were inevitable. They had consciously offended him. There was no turning back as they had openly chosen to rebel. In verse 16 Heavenly Father begins to to lay it all out:

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be toward thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

Conception...this struck me. I knew what that meant. It meant sex. To conceive meant sex. Sorrow in conception? I looked at the foot notes:

"Marriage, motherhood.
increase thy discomfort and thy size (i.e. in the condition and process of pregnancy).
Suffering."

Soooo because Eve took the fruit first....this was her challenge....or my challenge. Discomfort in intimacy (and 4 hard pregnancy's that came later). Adam- well he was told that he would work by the sweat of his brow all the days of his life, amongst other things. My heart began to pound. It was suppose to be this way. Mr. Napes wasn't put at ease just yet though. Ok. so we had discovered the whys but...

"Don't you see though, babe. Pregnancy is temporary. Bringing forth children is temporary. My situation is, or can be temporary. It CAN be changed. Women must truly be loved by our father- as their challenge is not eternal. The lack of pleasure can be replaced. It will improve as "my desire shall be toward my husband." I think I know what we can pray for. We can pray for patience while things are so new, but we can also ask him to help us and remove the barriers we face."

And so, on our honeymoon, we began to pray. I realize this isn't typical, but in Mormon chapter 9 verse 21 it says, "Behold I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth."

We were specific in our prayers- that our experiences would change and that my husband and I could "share" the physical joy in being one, God's will permitting. That we sought out his love and his words, probably secured for our marriage blessings that were ours to start. To share carefully on this blog...our lives changed dramatically by the end of that week and have remained changed over the beautiful years of marriage. We do not have a perfect relationship by any stretch of the imagination and work very hard but, I get emotional even remembering this gift. I get emotional at the goodness and mercy that he offered us- that he offers everyone if they but "come unto Christ."

People have asked me a time or two how I can claim that I know the gospel is true. This story is one of hundreds of moments when a loving and tender mercy has been extended to me which has, as a hot brand to my heart, sealed me his.

I am hopeful the message I share is clear. Faith, prayer, and scripture are the beginning of a happy and healthy sexual life. There is much more to "learn" but without this foundation we are on our own. The rest of the world may seem to have success in sex. They may even succeed in their physical right and their bodies may respond. BUT with faith, prayer, and scripture...our intimate lives can be successful and FAR beyond! We can experience the intensity and love that is available to us in ways that words cannot describe and our relationships will be iron clad with joy and depth.

Of this I am living proof- and I am not special.

Questions

2008-12-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

One thing that has always been striking to me, is the intense effort to degrade intimacy. There is no question in any adult mind that it is everywhere. It has been terribly misused. Satan has attacked the divine loyalty saved for marriage since time began, and here are a few of his approaches:

For some children- sexual abuse
For some teenagers- temptation to participate too early. (With such force it seems impossible to fight.)
Pornography- everywhere

and for some married adults....lack of intimacy-to name a few.

Hmm. (more on the latter to come.)

SO much emphasis in time, money, and thought have been placed in the arena of sexual intimacy, but my question is why? Why would THIS be the area of attack? What makes this the fall out for so many human beings? Why would Satan want nothing more than to destroy through this part of life? Why is this the number 1 reason for divorce? (true story).
What does he know that we don't?

Let's review one very important factor. In Latter Day Saint doctrine, we know that we lived before we were born. We know that we were taught and thrived in the life before this. We also know that we were sent here to be "tested." To make this possible, we were given one important thing...a "veil." Our knowledge was removed. Our memories erased and our faith was to bring us forward and progress. The point? Satan, who was also there, also learning, and also aware of this plan never received a veil.

His understanding of the purpose and potential of sex is apparent. We see this in his full throttle approach to ruin what sex is intended to be. It HAS to be essential. It HAS to be a vital source of happiness or it would not be challenged everyday- all over the world.

My next question then- What about it is so great? What is our Heavenly Father's desire for me? What is HIS vision of my intimacy? What does HE want it to become?

As true food to our thoughts...these are the questions I pose.

Background

2008-11-30T20:39:00.001-08:00

Many of you may wonder how and why this subject has struck enough interest in me to start a blog. I mentioned before that this interest is a gift. I believe that. There are so few people out there with respectful knowledge about this topic- especially women- especially, especially LDS women. Where does one turn to learn and grow in knowledge? What if there are days of frustration and stress because of this subject? What if your marriage is suffering or it's causing hidden emotions, or you dislike intimacy all together? What if your situation is good but not GREAT? Where do you seek help? Is it ok to learn more? My interest is for everyone.

I grew up in a very unique home. Let me explain. In our home growing up, no subject was off limits, no questions were inappropriate, and no one was really given "the talk" at a certain age. As long as there was respect...any moment was ok to share. We are a very open family and there was definite safety in asking my mom or dad anything that crossed my mind. I knew that if I heard something or wondered about something, I could simply ask and they would direct me to truth. Unique- I know. Ultimately I grew up learning about sexual intimacy by great parents and plenty of healthy conversation. Since then, the scriptures and leaders, and research-education have strengthened my growth.

My parents were and are head over heals in love with each other, and there was always a certainty growing up that love was a huge part of their relationship. Even obvious was the intimacy factor. At a young age I remember my parents taking their overnight bags and temple bags as well, and leaving us with a sitter so they could be together, attend the temple and "reconnect". They did this often and would come back happier people. I remember this. I remember thinking..."well that's how it's suppose to be."This history brought simplicity to my life.

Most youth are told "NO! No! No!" when the topic of chastity and morality are discussed. Most parents jaws drop when they hear their little kids ask or say things that are unfamiliar. They get scolded or rebuked because they are curious. I was always told "YES! YES! YES!...When you are married." I always knew that what emotions I had and feelings I carried were healthy and good. They were from the Lord, designed to stir love and wonder. And when I was married- I would be blessed with freedom to love like my parents had also. THIS was my experience. (Unique again...I know). It has been incredibly natural for me to love and learn as much as possible so I can be happy too. And it DOES take learning.

Everyone remembers their childhood experiences. There may have been the awkward "talk", there may have been a book on anatomy, there may have been a hushed and stifled "We don't talk about that"- there may have been nothing. Yet, no matter what the outcome of our earlier years...our Heavenly Father wants to tell us all "YES!" He wants us CLOSE to our spouses. He wants us intimate. It is HIS design and His idea, and there are soooo many reasons for the amazing resource of sexual intimacy in a marriage. Sooo many. For now, I'll leave this question: What are your true and sincere feelings on this topic? No one need answer.

Ponder.
Pray for guidance.
and then ponder some more.

Lives will start to change...I promise.

To Start

2008-11-30T10:55:00.000-08:00

This blog is going to be a new experience for most of those reading. It is a rare thing to come across a blog or book or any source of reference that offers respect for such a reverent and amazing topic as sexual intimacy. The world misrepresents this topic. For this reason, and many others, I offer this blog.

I am not an expert. I have not gone to school or received a degree. I am not a therapist- though this is something I would love to pursue when the time is right. For now I am a wife, a mother, and a friend who has seen and heard hundreds of accounts of wonderful people who struggle in marriage. Hundreds of people who struggle in understanding the nature and beauty of sexual intimacy. I have been blessed with a specific interest in this topic and offer insight on this blog through the scriptures, from prophets and apostles, and research. Mostly though... I offer from my heart.

I will do all that I can to make this a place of comfort. I am incredibly aware of the delicate subject that intimacy in marriage is. I hope this can be a safe place to visit. A place for anyone anywhere to read and learn and come closer to the idea that sex is one of the GREATEST gifts ever offered by a loving Father to his children. And because we are all his children, and he wants us ALL to be happy, there is much to learn.

I hope this journey is one you can share with others. I hope this blog is one you will feel comfortable sharing and visiting as often and you desire. And so... we begin.

The first thing I want to mention is that many christian people believe that sex is something that should never be discussed. Many have been taught that it is a taboo topic, one which is so sacred it must NEVER be thoroughly talked about...or really talked about at all for that matter. I want to make sure I am clear when I say that to talk about, or discuss details from OUR OWN relationship is indeed a very wrong place to be- for anyone. Personal relationships are just that- personal. There is a sacredness in marriage that is ONLY between a husband and a wife. Details about sex should never be shared- never tossed around lightly. This is light-mindedness, and is sin. One instantly looses the spirit when offering information from their personal relationship. This is not our Heavenly Father's desire nor my own.

To learn about and understand this precious topic to strengthen marriage, to receive a testimony of the important and vital role it plays in our lives, and to really know why this is such a tool of happiness is very much approved by the creator of it himself. Sexual intimacy is a great thing to learn as much about as we possibly can- in the proper context. It was created by our Master and is beautiful and good.

There will be more to come in another post. Right now I've offered what needed to be. Hoping that you'll visit again-

The Management :)