September 18, 2009

My purpose

I want to post once again why I have created this blog. I received a nasty comment yesterday about how "silly and childish" my "religious approach" is about sex. The writer of this comment then described in explicit sexual detail his filthy ideas on the topic. I was disturbed and knew that he was obviously hoping this was a different kind of website. It may seem unusual that a home maker and mother of four would take time to write about sex, but may I emphasize the greater picture? My intent is to write about intimacy in marriage. So many woman of faith spend their lives prior to marriage striving to keep their virtue- as they should-and when finally able to share that virtue with their spouse, feel discouraged and frustrated at what that brings.

My wish with this blog is to create feelings of confidence and hope. My wish is to have a voice of goodness in the world. My wish is to speak about sexual intimacy with honor. "If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." (article of faith # 13). Which is EXACTLY what our marriages should be.

Deep breath...

Thank you for those who have supported my thoughts, and who can recognize the plan in place.

September 10, 2009

The question...

From my last post "A delicate subject", I received a sincere question about the nature of the topic. Click Clan, I tried to answer your question as directly and responsibly as possible and posted my comment in return. BUT... my comment was too long -according to Blogger- and I was unable to leave it for you. I feel that your question was an important one, and so with great thought, I have posted my response here instead. Let this be a clear warning that the dialog is direct. For the sensitive reader, you may wish to stop now. I hope it is helpful to more than just the brave woman asking. I'll take that chance as I have been asked this question many times before which is:

"So, if I may can you achieve all three of these orgasms? I have always been able to achieve the first orgasm...but not necessarily the other two.

I have decided to use this question to further my thoughts on orgasm. However,
instead of answering "how" to attain all 3 of these, I feel it best to let each marriage go where it needs to go in the discovery of that answer. Working together to create these experiences will provide ample room for discovery. Every relationship, every body, is different. To claim I can offer detail for your body would be unrealistic...unfair even. Reminding everyone that I am not an expert, however, I do have a few thoughts to offer. First, it is important to know that ANY orgasm starts in the mind. It is not possible to achieve any of the three options unless our minds are focused on sexual things themselves. In fact, doctors have mentioned there are actually four orgasms...the fourth being mental. If we are focused on the dishes or who we need to call back, we won't orgasm at all. It isn't possible to attain the full experience without allowing our thoughts to focus in the moment on what is happening- or about to happen. This is scientifically proven. But this idea can be difficult for many women. Some think that having sexual thoughts are wrong. Therefore, they push back any intimate thinking... never able to release and experience the beautiful purpose in our coming together.

To shed some light on this thought, may I offer some insight? Sexual thoughts and images in our mind are wrong IF they are about anyone other than our spouse. This is a bold statement- but one that I stand by. When we flirt with images of anyone other than our own husbands, (or wives) it becomes spiritual infidelity. We walk away from a sexual encounter farther from our spouse and less dedicated to the marriage. More importantly, our Heavenly Father can not protect and nourish our relationship. We won't be more united because this isn't his design. Sexual thoughts ARE his design when used appropriately for the one we chose to marry. When we get married, we join in a sexual contract (see the post "Paul's Help"). We are free then, to think about- talk about- learn about- practice- and enhance our sexual lives together. Our thoughts follow suit. When we take our thoughts down the intimacy path during sex (our spouse in mind) we have taken the FIRST step to orgasm. It is important and healthy to focus our minds during sex on sex itself. Limits pending.

Next, I feel it important to describe the differences between each orgasm so those who may have experienced it will know, and those desiring to can focus on what is happening to their bodies. A clitoral orgasm happens through a very special body part created ONLY for pleasure. It is the clitoris which is the size of a pea and is located above the vagina. It is external and is the location of thousands of nerve endings- created for sexual joy. It is the only body part of a woman designed purely for pleasure. This is such an important part of the female body that sadly, in countries that desecrate women, there is a female castration ceremony in which young girls (8 and 9) have the clitoris removed- and in the most cruel way. A practice I abhor and in my wildest dreams, would put an end to someday. The clitoris is a gift- one that openly shows God's love for his daughters, as he wants us to have true happiness in our marriages. A clitoral orgasm happens when there is direct contact with the clitoris. The sensation through this orgasm is limited to that area. It is the most easy to achieve as there is a specific and direct place to focus. It is the most common.

The vaginal orgasm is internal. It is much more complex but is also a much deeper orgasm- more full filling, as some have said. It's affects last longer and can spread through the whole body. It is the "cleanser" of the two. Study and research have proven this orgasm to occur most frequently when passion and "foreplay" (or sexual build) have stimulated the body to natural secretion. When a woman's body has created a natural lubricant, it is more prepared for a vaginal orgasm. When the "heat" has been turned up.

In this case, there is a particular spot deep into the vagina (or the farthest part inside) prepared for and awaiting contact during intercourse. If contacted- a vaginal orgasm can occur. Again, not every time, perhaps because of medical circumstance or just plain distraction, but it is available.

A blended orgasm then, is BOTH occurring at the same time. Yes- it can happen and is, by far, the most challenging to achieve, but once again, gives room for growth as we discover what works best in each of our circumstances.

If you are still reading this, my guess is you are not offended with the content. I hope that the information here has been received respectfully. I have tried ever so carefully to express answers in a gentle and reverent manner, which can be challenging to do. I never get red in the face with this sacred subject, so forgive me if I have made anyone uncomfortable in any way. Like I have said before: knowledge = hope, and this is not a taboo topic. It is amazing and miraculous, when shared with respect.

I send my best to those who are trying to learn more and am grateful for your reading this at all.

August 16, 2009

A delicate subject

This particular post is an informative one. I always like to be careful and selective in the nature and content on this blog and, am also feeling that I need to post helpful information to those asking for it. I offer a soft warning that the angle of this particular post is one of health and science. It is about orgasm. For those uncomfortable with the directness of my may want to check in later, or read the new post below. My husband once said that the word "sex" is much like a swear word to some people, which I respect. And if that happens to ring true for you...this may be a post to pass over.

Much of the learning that has occurred for me and for those reading has occurred through the "comment section" of this blog. The other day I was re-reading a post and the comments that followed when I realized that I had not officially posted some vital information. I am placing that here. I know that knowledge and truth is from our Heavenly Father and when we receive more... we have the power to improve. If this information helps anyone~ the purpose has been met.

It is obvious that I love this sacred topic. Anyone who has followed this blog knows that I would love to go back to school and get a degree in sexual therapy- someday. I have been given a desire to learn and study and increase my understanding of this delicate subject and have been enlightened in many ways through the scriptures. But, there is more from God's hand than just the spiritual side on this topic. There is also the beautiful side to it's physical benefits. By enjoying it and appreciating these benefits we show our gratitude to him. So, let's look at what those benefits may be.

With sex comes orgasm.

If asked how we feel or what comes to mind when we think of orgasm, I am sad to say that some people think it is not an OK thing. Some think it is worldly, others that it is sinful, but today I'd like to open the possibility to the strength it can bring to our bodies. Remember that I am a firm believer in keeping our personal intimate lives PERSONAL. We are commanded to uphold and honor the sexual detail in our marriages as sacred and private. That said, in the next few paragraphs, I'd like to offer fact.

Research has provided some incredible information about orgasm which has enlightened my heart with greater love for my Heavenly Father, as this is HIS design. He created this for pro-creation and the bringing forth of life, which is miraculous to me, but he also created the sexual act to strengthen love through pleasure and unselfish commitment in marriage. And through the latter...orgasm is possible. Surely, we know orgasm is pleasant, but do we also know about some additional benefits it offers?

Did you know that orgasm can:

~ strengthen our immune systems so we can fight off disease and other ailments.

~ create endorphins that are natural "fever relievers" which strengthen our health and well being.

~ create a threshold to pain.

~ reduce stress.

~ increase our life span.

~ cleanse and flush out toxin.

~ create a natural high and happiness ( a glow) to those who experience it on a frequent basis.

MANY fantastic things come because of this gift. God has given us an AMAZING way of taking care of our bodies through orgasm in marriage. He loves us and offers the deepest of all pleasure through this natural and remarkable act of love.

There are three different kinds of orgasm for a woman. There is the clitoral, the vaginal, and the blended. Learning more about our bodies and how these three are achieved, may increase our abilities to enjoy the blessings mentioned above with our husband.

I realize there are MANY women who do not or have not experienced orgasm, and there are numerous reasons why that may be. An orgasm for a woman can be very difficult to achieve. Each woman is unique in her own circumstances. May I suggest study, prayer, hormonal check-ups with your physician, questions asked, and communication with your spouse to identify some set backs that are very common and overlooked.

Intimacy is ours to learn about and enjoy under the right circumstances. It adds a richness to life that strengthens our spiritual and emotional relationships in marriage. It is a tool for closeness and beauty.

How I am indebted to my Father for his kindness in it's creation.

Moving Forward

A while ago, Mr. Napes shared something significant he had observed in our relationship. He pointed out that in the past, he hadn't really connected each of our intimate experiences to the next one that would follow. Subconsciously, for him, each experience was independent- with no relation to another. If we shared love one wouldn't continue to roll over to the next day. It was what it was- separate and unconnected. A great moment- perhaps. He said he felt closer to me because of our intimacy, but wouldn't take that closeness with him beyond our moment. If we would then connect a few days later, it would remain it's own event- never really flowing or molding together.

For me, however, it couldn't have been more opposite. In my mind and heart, it was all related. When Mr. Napes and I would express our feelings of loyalty and love, those rich and powerful moments carried us forward into the future until we would connect again. It would sustain me and would create a balance in our home. I knew I was taken care of because we were connected. Like the moving floor escalators at the sexual experience would take me to the next experience and so forth.

But this created some struggle between us.

I would leave our love making stronger and more full filled. I would look at him with new eyes the next day and would flirt my way around him. He, however, had moved on to other things- work, church callings, and so forth. What a painful time of life this was. I felt a bit overlooked and under appreciated. I felt alone and unconnected to him, and it then made the next sexual experience tense. I would not enjoy him because my feelings were hurt. He felt like a stranger to me from time to time.

Now, because our moments of intimacy rolled over from one to another (for me)... those feelings of tension would also present them selves the next day. If we had a night that was not that great, our relationship would annoy me. Oh, we have all had those moments when the stars are not aligned, haven't we? You know what I'm talking about don't you? Those intimate experiences when everything is off? When you'd rather be sleeping because it really wasn't working for you? Those nights that bring frustration more than connection. When you lay there listening to your spouse snore and you wonder how you got there?

But thankfully, over time and through these complications, Mr. Napes and I have discovered a few beautiful things about our relationship. Number 1: we are FAR from perfect. Number 2: there is NO relationship that is just like the movies and number 3: there will, in fact, be awkward nights. But we have also discovered a few other things as well. I can work on letting go of those discouraging times sooner and move forward to the better ones. If we have a weird intimate what? Move on Napes- let er' go. It happens to the best of all couples. It is about learning together and growing together and laughing it off without personal offense. He is learning to link our good times. To build upon our closeness and carry those moments that are great to the next day~ the next conversation. He is learning to open his whole heart and take those incredible times with him to work, to church, to our kids, to everyday life that needs that strength that only our love can create. Together.

If I am letting go of the hard, and he is clinging to the fantastic...we are moving forward.
Little by little, we are moving forward...and this is what it's all about.

July 29, 2009


It has been quite some time and I am sorry. I suppose I was unsure that any one was reading this blog until today when I noticed a comment to be posted. As I checked this blog, I was surprised to see that there were 4,124 visits to this site.

My heart was full.

As I know this is a topic that is essential to a healthy and full filling life, I also know it is a difficult one for some to read about. Thank you to all of those who have taken time to read anything I have offered here. This has given me a renewed desire to jump back on this train and record my thoughts. And I have a few.

Last night Mr. Napes and I watched the movie "Fireproof". For those of you who have never heard of this film, it is a Christian inspired story about a couple who is struggling terribly in their marriage. It is fantastic! Low budget? Maybe. Poor acting from time to time? Perhaps. Inspired and full of truth? Absolutely. The main character is played by Kirk Cameron, and for those of you wondering who he is...let me fill you in on a small secret of mine. He is the star of the old show "Growing Pains" and the heartthrob I used to have on my wall- poster form- in the 5th grade. I thought he was beautiful and still do, though the reasons are largely different from those in elementary school. He is a stalwart, faithful, Christian who now spends his time doing what this simple and humble blog has tried to do...strengthen marriage.

I think every one should watch this movie.

I was watching another show called "18 and Counting" (which I adore) and this very large family went to the premiere of this film. After watching it on the big screen, they were taken into the green room off to the side where they met Kirk Cameron and had some "question-answer" time. One of the questions the young Dugger boy asked Kirk was about a scene in the movie when the characters- who were married-kissed. He asked Mr. Cameron why he kissed the actress in the movie when it wasn't his real wife, and I was interested to hear his response as well. It went something like this: "I didn't. I value my marriage so much that I won't even share a kiss on screen with anyone who is not my wife. Not even if it is my job. And so...when that scene came, my wife put on the same dress and stepped in. I want you to know that I really feel strongly about this film- about fighting for marriage. I believe it so much that we worked around that."



I add my voice to that of the film. To keep our marriages "fireproof", we must dedicate our hearts to the one we chose from the beginning. Which takes effort and forgiveness. Which takes reflection and hard work. Which takes...

....intimacy and love.

Feels good to be back.

May 1, 2009

Consciously Prepare

Today's post is about consciously preparing to share your love.

Consciously preparing? What is that suppose to mean?

Ask your self this question...what have you done today to prepare for sexual closeness with your spouse? It is the greatest unifying experience- most literally, and maybe we would look forward to the connection a bit more if we prepared and planned for it a bit. This could be done in many ways.

Some ideas for wives: Setting the stage for closeness. Cleaning our room perhaps. Getting the piles of laundry put away and clearing any clutter that may dilute the romance a bit. Planning to get a baby sitter so the evening is spent without the children. Picking out music, candles, or something beautiful to wear. Shaving our legs. Texting our husbands and letting them know we are looking forward to being with them. Thinking of a new approach to the routine of togetherness. Writing a note about the evening that's planned and putting it in your husbands car/coat the night before. Anything we can consciously think of to express our love BEFORE the heat of the moment. These simple acts of thoughtfulness not only show support for the relationship, it prepares your own mind and heart to share yourself as well.

Some ideas for husbands: Allowing her to focus by taking one thing (or a few) on your wives "to -do" list and mastering that for her- it can do wonders. How about buying- better yet- picking flowers. Take a sharpie marker and leave her a note on the mirror with how you really feel about her (yes- it washes off). Text her a message. Make her dinner. How about YOU arranging the sitter? Grab her favorite candy bar and toss it in the freezer for later. Anything loving that you may not do regularly is to consciously prepare. Maybe you should shave your legs...I'm kidding, but seriously, when we consider and prepare for the night/morning/afternoon together, it changes the purpose in our physical unity. It takes us back to the dating scene and THAT is where we fell in love from the start.

In the scriptures it says, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." Doctrine and Covenants 42: 22. In the footnotes of this verse it says: Family love within; love; marriage, Continuing Courtship in; Marriage husbands; Marriage wives. These footnotes are a reference for more study. Could we be applying ourselves to continued courtship more fervently?

It is the preparation that lingers in our minds all day. It helps us look forward to sexual closeness like we would look forward to going out to dinner, or going on a vacation, having a day off, (fill in the blank with what brings you joy). In planning for sex, we can enhance sex. Take time to remember the beginning of the relationship and center your efforts on those feelings of love. May our marriages defy all that is in front of us to distract and pull us apart.

I would write more but I have a text to send (wink- wink- nudge-nudge).
Best of luck!

April 9, 2009

No more "it"

I have been wondering what would happen if we changed our relationship with sexual intercourse. We hear people talk about this grand connection as "it" quite often. "My husband wants it all the time." "We haven't done it in a while." "It is routine." "It is good." "I feel like it is all he/she thinks about."

If I am able to see, feel, and believe that the spirit of sexual intimacy is apart of my husband and I, than my thoughts toward him- toward us- might be different. Because sex is suppose to be an integral part of who we are as a couple, than changing our thought pattern may change our feelings as well.

Would I feel differently if my thoughts were "My husband wants me all the time"? Would I be less bothered with his desire to connect sexually if I thought "I feel like I am all he thinks about." Maybe we participate in the habit of referring to sex as a stranger or an object. If we very possibly could become just that. Does the experience of intimacy in our marriages feel like an "it"? I have noticed when I am cherished and appreciated by Mr. Napes, when we are truly close and emotionally intimate, that sex really is a part of who I am. It is non existant that he wants the "act" alone, rather, he really does desire ME...his wife and friend. Sharing myself with him then becomes natural and comfortable, and the stranger between us is gone.

Honor- Love- Respect.

Distancing ourselves from the generic and stale term "it" may help our relationship with our spouses. Loosing this term may create a closer level of intimacy. Let us replace "it" as the object, and welcome sex as the design for true wholeness at it's finest because of who we are sharing it with. Let us put our husband or wife in the place of "it". Let's cherish them and desire them and love them- and all that they bring to being one.

I'll start: Mr. Napes, I want you tonight. I want to be with you and share you, and love you.

Hmm. Sounds good to me...